Saying Goodbye…and Finding Meaning in Loss
Last night my small world was rocked by the news of the death of a one-time close friend. He and I spent a lot of time together in what I call the “dark time” of my life: a two year period where I lost complete control of my life (can you see why I call it “dark”?) We remained friends, but our paths went in completely different directions, and when I ended my marriage and started fresh, I chose to no longer connect with many of those people who were a part of my life for those 18 years. So, essentially, I said “goodbye” to “J.B.” eight years ago. So, why was I so rattled by news of his death?
July was a difficult month for me, and mine. It seemed each week I got news of someone’s death – often tragic, and always untimely. Maybe this was just the “last straw” on the last day of the month. I cried, last night, for them all. Once the tears were dry, I spoke with his wife for about 45 minutes, and we discussed the plans for a memorial service here in the mountains he loved so well. I was saddened by the difficulty of his passing – one always hopes (or at least I do – and you probably do too) that those we’ve loved transition easily from this reality into the next (however they define it). This was not the case for him. That fact alone breaks my heart.
J.B. didn’t have an easy life either: addictions plagued him – but he enjoyed each and every one of them. He always had a smile, and a hug for the people he loved. And many folks in the San Lorenzo Valley were given the gift of his friendship over the years. The memorial service will be very well-attended – and we’ll all have wonderfully funny stories to share about this man who spread sunshine when he could, shared the hard times, and understood more about the nature of life than many I’ve met. Thank you, J.B., for your friendship in the dark days…where would I have been without you? I think the best way to remember him is to emulate him – to be a supportive friend to someone who feels they have no one in their life who loves them.
I’m reminded of the words of Hans Christian Anderson, ”A human life is a story told by God.” I’ve got to say, God told a fine, funny, heartbreaking, instructive tale in this man’s life. Much like the image for this day’s post…full of painful moments, and unreasonable beauty.
You know, as a Buddhist, I know that a difficult death, where suffering is the central experience, is said to clear negative karma. That clearing makes it possible for the person to reincarnate at a higher level of enlightenment – which is a good thing. Yet, the thought of my friend suffering as he did still breaks my heart, leading me into suffering. “Om Mani Padme Hum…”