Women have always played a critical part in helping to birth babies, as well as in caring for the dying and the dead. While it’s true that part of this can be attributed to our basic biology, the simple fact is that societies around the globe have long allocated death care activities to women.
This was true in early America, too. But, a major shift in death care in the U.S. – from a home based, midwifery approach to a more profit-motivated, male-dominated business model – began early in the 19th century. While this effectively excluded women from death care for many years, women are returning to funeral service in greater and greater numbers – restoring a centuries-old tradition.
A Cross-Cultural Perspective
Let’s consider, for just a moment, the women of rural Greece. They have been completely in charge of caring for the body of the deceased, as well as the staging of related rituals – which go on (literally) for years after the death of an individual – since time-out-of-mind. They are truly the caretakers of the dead.
This role is an ancient one, and codified in the mythology of the region. As part of your funeral service training, you learned of the Roman goddess Libitina, the goddess of death, corpses and funerals. While no images of her remain for us, she provides us with a foundational feminine image to reflect upon: that of the benefactor of the dead, and the keeper of ritual.
Throughout the millennia however, her very name – and for a time, her role – sank into such obscurity that it is seldom known by anyone outside of funeral service. It’s interesting to note that, if you do a Google search for images of Libitina, you’ll find that many young “Goth” women have adopted her name. Dressed in black, these young women often stare into the camera with a combination of sorrow and menace, attempting to capture how Libitina must have appeared. Libitina lives on, if not in her original role.
This same phenomenon of ‘sinking into obscurity,’ and then resurrection or resurgence, is true for the role of women in death care in the United States.
The Shift from Women to Men
“By the end of the eighteenth and into the middle of the nineteenth century,” Gary Laderman writes, in The Sacred Remains: American Attitudes toward Death, 1799-1883, “women in the Protestant communities of the northern states indeed had the primary responsibility of getting the body ready for burial – a crucial activity performed by women in England for centuries.”
But early on in the 19th century, as early as 1810, we see the rise of death care as a masculine activity. Laderman writes that while “the gendered division of labor in the period suggests that responding to death, and more specifically preparing the corpse, was understood as a component of domestic life, and therefore within the purview of women’s activities. Though others support the view that midwifes, nurses, and women in general carried out the tasks associated with laying out the dead, there is also evidence that men would perform these tasks under certain circumstances. On those occasions when the deceased as an old man or an infant, a male might engage in handling the corpse and preparing it for disposition.”
While it can be said that men may have participated, it was still true that care of the deceased remained in the family. “Preparing the body was a duty for the close living relations of the deceased,” shared Gary, “and they rarely hesitated to participate in these activities. The intimacy that survivors maintained with the corpse preserved it, at least until the actual interment, as evidence of a valuable, and vital, social relation.”
“I put on the grave Cloaths and tarried till 7”
Midwives were known to care for women in childbirth, as well as tending the sick, and helping families care for their dead. In A Midwife’s Tale: The Life of Martha Ballard, Based on Her Diary, 1785 – 1812, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich wrote, “Between August 3 and 24, 1787, (Martha) performed four deliveries, answered one obstetrical false alarm, made sixteen medical calls, prepared three bodies for burial…” While we have very few notable midwifery records to fall back on, the detailed journal of Martha Ballard chronicles a common story, where these quasi-professional women were relied upon in communities both large and small.
When the Landscape of Death Truly Changed
Women, then, have been caring for the dead in this country for centuries; whether in the role of midwifes or simply female members of a family. But, things changed – as they usually do.
The advent of the ‘science’ of embalming, the battlefield conditions of the Civil War, and the continued rise of capitalism led to the displacement of women from death care activities. Death itself was removed from the domain of the family. Gary Laderman quotes Geoffrey Gorer, the British sociologist, who commented “the gradual displacement of the presence of death in daily living began sometime after the Civil War.” This displacement heralded the era of male-dominated death care in the United States.
Into The 20th Century
It’s not been an easy road for women who wish to come back to the work they traditionally performed. One of the most revealing passages in Mortician Diaries, by June Knights Nadle, documents the limited number of women in the field back in 1945, and the limited number of employment opportunities available to them:
“It was a critical time in my life when I graduated from the Cincinnati College of Mortuary Science in 1945 and started seeking an apprenticeship. There were few licensed women in the business. As the only woman in my class of ’45, I constituted 5% of our group (by the 1995 class, 355 of the students were young women.)
“After three months and seventy-nine letters to mortuaries in four western states, along with seventy-nine rejections, my oldest sister, Beth, helped me find work in a family-owned mortuary located in Hollywood, California.”
Women in Funeral Service Today
In a 2006 article, Death Becomes Her, written for the Columbia News Service, Mike Stevens wrote “Long dominated by men, the business of death is increasingly being handled by women. Last year, roughly 57 percent of new mortuary science students were women, according to the American Board of Funeral Service Education.”
It’s obvious to most of us that women are returning to funeral service in greater numbers than ever before. And, as Executive Director of the Association of Women Funeral Professionals, I’ve been privileged to get to know some of these really fine women – each of whom has come to funeral service with different stories, but always with a heart-driven purpose. I’d like to introduce three of them to you. Each is remarkably authentic, and a true asset to the funeral service profession.
Char Barrett
of A Sacred Moment, offers her client families alternative services, such as home funerals and green burials. She started A Sacred Moment in Seattle, but Char just opened a second office, in Everett, Washington.
She is a licensed funeral director who learned early in her studies in Mortuary College that there was a deep need for families to be more engaged in the care of their loved ones.
“When I started this work I had a pure vision: home funerals and life celebrations.”
In addition to her traditional funeral service education, Char trained with home funeral educator, Jerri Grace Lyons, of Final Passages. “It completely opened my eyes. I asked myself: Why are we not extending the same level of care for our loved ones after they die, as we do before they die?”
Char has a strong hospice background, which certainly colored her thinking. “Home funerals allow families to come to their grief in their own terms; there’s so much potential for healing.” She shared a number of stories with me during our conversation, and the commonality was this: families who chose this home-centered approach often said that having the deceased in the home gave them the opportunity to tell their loved one the things they could not say before the person passed away.
“That’s where the name ‘a sacred moment’ came from. I personally witnessed many sacred moments: a mother braiding her daughter’s hair; watching friends bathe a beloved friend; an estranged son, who was able to connect with his father on a heart level, by bathing and caring for his body after death. That’s the kind of power there is in this work. It shifts so much for people; they’re able to work through so much, and heal. If there’s anything I’ve learned; there are many, many ways that we die; and there are many ways to respond to that death. I now approach a family, no matter what they want, knowing that I’m not the one in control. I’m the guide; the coach behind the scenes. My goal is to empower and engage the family, to do what they need to do. I deeply listen, allow them to come to what they need, and not allow myself to direct them. I don’t even like the term “director” because I don’t direct. I guide them; I sit beside them, as they are going through this journey.”
She sees her role as the bridge between the convention funeral industry and the alternative, and believes that ‘alternative’ doesn’t have to be a bad word. “I’m trying to straddle the fence between the two.
“Home funeral guides are becoming more aware that their role involves teaching and support. They create the awareness that home funerals are an option, and they can educate the family. The important element to remember is that it’s the family who directs the funeral.”
Gwendelrae Hicks
of Northern Star Mortuary, in Kansas City, was called to funeral service at the age of 17. She’s an articulate, passionate woman, who knows what she wants for her business. Her storefront firm opened almost three years ago.
Gwendelrae was inspired to funeral service by her heart, not her head. “I was sitting in a psychology class, where there was an on-going discussion of possible careers. At that time, I was thinking of becoming an attorney, or perhaps a pediatric physician.
“These options weren’t sitting well with me. I sat and thought of all the funerals I’d been to as a child, and how the funeral directors didn’t seem to be truly present; they always had something outside the service they had to deal with. I didn’t think that was right; they were supposed to be there to help us get through this difficult time. There I was, in a quandary, so, I asked the Lord for guidance.”
Gwen, as she is called by family and friends, was candid when she shared the fact that she wasn’t always comfortable with dead people. But, she accepted the divine will expressed to her; she was to own her own funeral home. “To do things differently; to do them my way.”
It took her a long time to realize her vision. Years of school; years of preparation for funeral home ownership, interrupted by marriage and caring for her two daughters; it was a long road, but one she traveled with tenacity and commitment. She quietly said, “I struggled a long time to get to where I am.”
Gwen was also quite candid when she shared, “I went through the battlefields with the men in the industry. I was fortunate to receive my training not just from the men but from two female embalmers and funeral directors: Ms. Bobby Pearson and Ms. LaRoyce Holmes. They helped mold me into the professional business owner I am today; but the real support came from my husband and my children.
“I rejoice in my success every day. I love what I do and I do what I love. I put all of my passion and compassion into my calling.” I say a resounding “amen” to that!
On June 21st, 2007, she and her husband opened the doors of Northern Star Mortuary, Inc. “The name was inspired the stories of Harriet Tubman, and how she was guided by her determination to right a wrong; her visions, faith, and strong will to lead our ancestors through the Underground Railroad. This was accomplished by using many different tools to communicate and navigate our people to freedom. When we were traveling from one safe haven to the next, the North Star was used as a guide to motivate the weary; for hope, courage, and as a light to shine their way. I want my business to be a guiding light for the families who are grieving and looking for passion, compassion, and professionalism.”
Her husband, Scottie, is not a licensed funeral service professional. Acting as her funeral assistant during the day, he also drives a truck to help makes ends meet in this challenging time. Theirs is truly a shared commitment, and a shared dream.
Kristan McNames
of Grace Funeral and Cremation Services in Rockford, Illinois, is a mother of three young boys. She and her husband, Bob, also have a shared dream, and (as Gwen and Scott) work side-by-side to make it a reality.
They opened their own funeral home in 2009 – with an eye to creating a different image from the common conceptions of funeral home, and funeral director.
“I love the fact that our firm doesn’t feel like a funeral home, and families often comment that ‘you don’t act like a funeral director.’ I love what I do in the sense that people are pleasantly surprised and pleased with the relaxed atmosphere and the candid conversation during their arrangement conferences.”
Kristan came into funeral service following in the footsteps of a funeral director she admired. “My dad died while I was in high school, and ours was a rather high-maintenance extended family. The funeral director in question, who was the manager of the firm, did a great job putting us all at ease.
“My dad was only 43 when he died unexpectedly, the day after Thanksgiving. This director had known my dad from seeing him walking our dog, Moose; and he invited us to bring the dog for a private family viewing. I thought that was a remarkable act of kindness, and I’ve always remembered it.
“While I feel that I rather fell into the work, I really love helping families. Honestly, I judge our success on the number of hugs that we get. And we get a lot of them!”
Kristan works alongside her husband, Bob, and they’ve grown quite accustomed to their respective roles. “He does most of the removals, and is very good at all which goes on in the prep room. I do the upfront arrangements, public relations and marketing.”
As part of their marketing and public relations, Kristan is a weekly guest on a local radio show. “People can call in and ask questions about funeral service and our firm; lots of people listen. It’s conversational and casual. Mainly it’s so people can see we’re normal and funny.”
Bob and Kristan also arranged for a very successful bus fieldtrip to the funeral home from local senior centers. “About 30 people came, and we used our Facebook page and Twitter to build interest. It was such fun; we’re going to make it a yearly event!”
I believe Kristan brings a fresh, lighter approach to funeral service. And she’s been quite an asset to the AWFD, serving as a vocal and involved Advisory Board member since our inception in August of 2009.
My Honor and My Joy
I’m thrilled to be a part of these women’s lives, and to be able to share their unique gifts and perspectives with the wider world. They are truly representative of the passion, the love and the authentic commitment to service held by other members of the Association of Women Funeral Professionals, and by women in funeral service as a whole. We are blessed to have these women in our midst, and I look forward to seeing how they effectively change the landscape of funeral service in the 21st century.
____________________________________________________________
You can get to know more about these three wonderful women of funeral service by visiting their Web sites:
Grace Funeral and Cremation Services: www.gracefh.com
A Sacred Moment: www.asacredmoment.com
Northern Star Mortuary: www.northernstarmortuary.com
